A story: I had a boss once who liked to put people down and make fun of them. He really pushed my buttons. One day I decided to pretend he was my Zen master and his job was to demolish my ego. An hour later at work, off he goes with his first put down. I looked up at him - and found myself bursting out laughing! He really was very funny! Immediately the power shifted between us - we were more like equals and it wasn't personal - it was just his way. And I had learned I didn't have to take myself so seriously.

A story about choosing your battles and trying something different:  I had a boss once who liked to put people down and make fun of them. He really pushed my buttons. One day I decided to pretend he was my Zen master and his job was to demolish my ego. An hour later at work, off he goes with his first put down. I looked up at him – and found myself bursting out laughing! He really was very funny! Immediately the power shifted between us – we were more like equals and it wasn’t personal – it was just his way. And I had learned I didn’t have to take myself so seriously. We got on well from that day on, along with much humour from both sides.

Some tools for dealing with challenging people and conflicts

  • The most important tool of all is your own awareness of what’s going on in yourself and in the other person. Instinct says “Me vs. you“.  Awareness says “I’ll explore this situation openly“.
  • Understanding what is driving your own reactions (feelings, thoughts and behaviours) will give you real and valuable information so you can act with clarity, confidence, appropriateness and helpfulness for the situation. This also frees you to step beyond the ‘stuckness’ of the situation.
  • Understanding what is driving the other person’s reactions will give you the power to transform the whole dynamic. Empathic listening is the quickest way to calm things down – my number one fall-back tool when someone is upset: listen first, speak later. (And on a good day, I can do it! It takes practice).

This link for the Conflict Resolution Network will give you excellent training sheets on how to do the skills marked * below. (Go to the 12 Skills to see which ones you want to work on, then to the Trainers Manual for further input.)

Some tools to try:

1. Be as aware as you can

Use your Observer to separate from what is running you and neutrally witness your reactions, including the self who’s uncomfortable so wants to fix the problem asap.

2. Understand and manage your own feelings*

Get to the bottom line, the real reason why you are upset; what’s your vulnerability that gets triggered? Attend to your needs with compassion. If you are respecting and taking care of your own needs, even if they are different from other peoples’, then others just won’t upset you as much. You’ll know you’re ok, just as you are.

3. Strong emotions often mean our unresolved past is being triggered.

Relaxation, emotional support, counselling, will help you deal with past wounds. If you get in there and sort out the cause of your intense reactions, you will then feel stronger in yourself, see more clearly and know what you need to do.

4. Listen empathically*

How they see it and feel it? if you can take a deep breath and listen, they can then feel really heard and understood by you and also you will get all the relevant information. Feeling heard will help them feel calmer and enable you to respond more fully and accurately. You are both fallible humans, doing your best, but someone has to listen first. It might be their turn to listen (!!) but they may need you to start things off as the listener.

5. Appropriate assertiiveness*

This is about stating your side of things without blame or attack. First get clear about your real needs. The 3 part “I” Statement* is a good guideline as to how to say it:
“When ____ happens I feel _____ (because I need/feel/ _____ ) and what I’d prefer is _______ .”
Avoid using the words you, always, never. By speaking for yourself with power but without anger controlling you, it’s easier for them to hear without getting defensive. Then listen to their response.

6. Learn to say no and establish boundaries

Make boundaries that you stick to and that support your needs. E.g ‘I have decided not to go – it’s  just not my thing‘. “I want this time for myself ‘. Notice where guilt, valuing others’ needs more than yours or fear of rejection stop you. Only you can teach others where your boundaries are.  You need your own self respect before others will give it. (If stuck, channel the Super Nanny!). For how to practice setting boundaries, see: http://krishines.com/wp/articles/relationships/#two2

 

7. Try something different around them

Don’t keep doing what you know doesn’t work. Try new things, e.g. ask them about their work or life, acknowledge something they have done that was helpful, admire a skill they have that you haven’t. Ask them for help with something they do well. Relax a little around them. (see my story above)

8. Ask yourself honestly what you really want to experience with this person

If it’s a constructive relationship you want, how can you begin to generate that? Get creative, open to what may be possible, but without setting yourself up for rejection. Remember, if you are O.K about who you are, then what they do will be about them, not you – you won’t get hooked in.You’re you, they’re them – and after all, they came here to be themselves! Not to be what you want. So, how can you work with that constructively?

If you just want to stay mad and resent them – well, that’s easy! But painful. Is the cost worth it?

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