www.krishines.com

Kris blogs on 4 March 2010

This is a new part of my web site and I intend to cover a variety of topics and will update it every week or so. The first topic will be Voice Dialogue - what is it good for? (with apologies to Elaine).

Watch this space...

The photograph is of Meher Baba, taken in 1940. Source Lord Meher by Bhau Kalchuri.

March 5 2010
Voice Dialogue - what is it good for?

Voice Dialogue is a fantastic tool but before reading this you will need a basic explanation if you’re not already familiar with it, so see the tab on my website or go to the source - www.voicedialogue.org

My passion for it right now is due to the way it simply resolves conflicts - both internal and external. It not only helps you get clear about what your real needs are, but it frees you from being in conflict with the fact that you’re in conflict! As Krishnamurti said, “In the acknowledgment of what is, is the ending of all suffering.” A lot of our suffering comes from the fact that we resist the fact that we are suffering - we give ourselves a hard time about it or try to ignore it and imagine that everyone else has got this together - what’s wrong with us!

Internal conflicts occur naturally, a combination of the selves we develop and suppress and the multitude of choices that life brings. When I am in conflict there’s always a feeling of having to go this way or that - and every time I choose this, in come the voices saying, yeah but what about that. When I don’t have a neutral Aware Ego place from which to simply observe and experience all this, it can be exhausting. And when we don’t bite the bullet and make a choice we can spend weeks, months, years going round in circles and meanwhile the choices we are living feel incomplete, we feel compromised and only half alive, even deceitful towards ourselves and others. It takes a lot of energy to hold all the other voices (selves) at bay and stick with a choice that doesn’t quite seem right. It feels awful.

Using voice dialogue (or another such tool you have found that works for you) means you can really let the energy and concerns of all the selves out into the open. Not to take over your life or make the decision, but to simply be freed and heard. This means that the energy and wisdom that they contain is now available for you. When you stop, really listen and dis-identify from all the voices, or selves, including the one you most identify with and may be already living out, you have a new awareness, a new place, as the aware ego, to manage it all from. What a relief! As Roberto Assagioli says in Act of Will - “I have thoughts, but I am not those thoughts, I have feelings but I am not those feelings.” This profound concept has been like a lifeline to me in tough times. Combining this insight with a way to really connect with all the conflicted parts of ourselves is the beginning of a new freedom. Yes!

Next time I will talk about resolving external conflicts. Can't live with them, can’t grow without them!

This beautiful picture from the Mt Owen area of New Zealand's South Island was taken by artist Lois Morgan. It's a perfect image for my next blog

Click on any image to enlarge it.

April 27 2010

This photo was taken in Cyprus by my friend Yolanda Koumidou-Vlesmas while she was running a retreat there last month (see her web site www.koumidoucenter.com).

To visit my new conflict coaching site go to www.conflictadvice.com

Would you rather be right or happy?

I first heard this question about 25 years ago when I did the Landmark Forum. One day I will maybe track down the source of it.

Personally, I love being right! It’s so satisfying. Comfortable. Reassuring. The other person is simply wrong. How restful.

Except that it isn’t really restful. At some point I realised I had got into a habit of complaint that gave me a certain comfortable satisfaction because there was always someone who would agree with me about whatever it was, and if no-one was around I could thoroughly enjoy agreeing with myself!

However, since self-righteousness is usually based around a complaint, I one day twigged to the fact that being right was not at all the same as being happy. Being right kept me locked into a story of complaint. Then the tendency was to build on that complaint and gather evidence (“They did it again!!”) and from that followed the muttered argument of tunnel vision which can take up a long time in a day. Being happy on the other hand has a quality of being present and open, enjoying the day.

When I was little I would sit in church and think about love and war and puzzle about why countries fought all the time, when they could just be loving each other. At some point this view turned into political action in the peace movement but in my own inner life there were plenty of wars going on. And I was always right, of course!

I agree with Landmark’s view that our perception is gloriously subjective: the more satisfying our complaint, the more we set ourselves up to gather more evidence for our view of a person. We then see the person through this lens, we focus on the behaviour that fits it, so our observation gets very skewed. Not at all objective.

The natural continuation of this is that the person ‘keeps showing up’ the same way and we simply stop actually seeing them or being with them at all. We are in the same room, but just sitting listening to our own ‘evidence-based’ past view. We also keep behaving the same way towards them, and this no doubt plays a part in eliciting more of that “I knew she was going to say that” behaviour we dislike.

Usually we initially have a really good reason for this. We may feel threatened by them or uncomfortable about some aspect of them or what they have done. This triggers an initial feeling of vulnerability, which in a split second is masked by the protective perspective of a primary self.

For example one of my exes used to bring out a very critical side of me (Surprise! Anyone critical about an ex?). When I got bored with this particular complaint - I love it when I finally get bored with listening to one of my own complaints - I looked beneath the surface of my righteous criticism about his ‘bad’ behaviour. I realised that I actually felt really envious of him. How dare he get away with doing ‘bad’ things! Here I was trying to be a Good Girl (primary self) all my life and he did just what he liked and got on with his life just fine and was even successful. The unfairness of it!

I’ve found there is always a freedom out the other side of a complaint about someone. When (if) I let it go, I am free to maybe be a little bolder myself, beyond the internal tyranny of ’niceness’ - and see what happens. The Aware Ego process allows me to step back from my ‘oh so right, I’m the Good Girl’ position and then I am no longer bound by the limitations of that.

Just as important, I can free up some of the time and energy that is being absorbed by complaint, which leaves me with more time to be happy. My heart can open up again too - which tends to go well with happiness. In fact a lot of space opens up. I so want to live more in that spaciousness.

I can hear another peace song coming on!!

Your thoughts and comments welcome - email me on innerwork@krishines.com.

The Counselling Space is a private practice on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland Australia specialising in supporting individuals and couples to work directly with the personal impact of their life issues and events.

A counselling session provides a space that enables people to explore and understand what is going on for them, to grow in confidence, to gain wisdom, to expand their way of handling what life brings and to move forward.

Sessions and ways of working are designed to suit the needs of individual clients, with a range of approaches available. Phone sessions are also offered.

For inquiries or to book a session call Kris on
(+61) 07 5442 3676 or 0408 226 353 or email

innerwork@krishines.com

For coaching help with a conflict call or email Kris, or visit her web site www.conflictadvice.com

A Time and a Place for Inner Work

Unresolved conflict and suffering make a huge impact on our lives. It can preoccupy us daily or dwell just below the surface. We may be afraid to address it directly and it seems easier to avoid it and allow life to rush onward.

However, at some point we usually discover that things just get worse and pressure builds up. You may lose your feeling of well-being and the issue either gets more and more obvious in your life or creates stress and unhappiness which begin to affect everything.

Giving yourself a time and a place to do this work can be a huge relief; you can truly focus on your priorities and goals and gain resolution, insight, clarity and a new optimism about what needs to happen next - and how to go about that. The counselling process is a way to deeply value yourself, and also to get the inspiration and support that often seem to be missing at these times.

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